Looking Forward
by Clogette
Summary: 3 parts exploring some of the thoughts and emotions faced in Series 2 Episode 6, when Dr Turner believe Sister Bernadette may have TB.
1. Chapter 1

"I will need to carry out an examination," Dr Turner said, quietly and carefully.

"Yes," Sister Bernadette agreed. No emotion, no outpouring of fear or anxiety. A simple answer. If only her mind would calm itself in the same manner as her outward appearance.

The problem, Sister Bernadette supposed, with having such a wonderful day helping Dr Turner with the X-ray van was that the news that her own X-ray contained some worrying results seemed unreal to her. It was as if it was just out of reach. Logically, she knew it was the shock, but deep down she felt so disconnected from it. Almost as if it was happening to someone else.

"Would you like me to get Sister Julienne?" the doctor asked.

Sister Bernadette shook her head slightly, looking down at her hands which she had moved to her lap. They were clasped together, almost an automatic reaction to the news – to pray. And yet she barely knew how to begin. She had already wished, out loud to her Sister, that she were physically ill. Is this not what she had requested from God? Is this not what she deserved for being so ungrateful for good physical health? For allowing her mind to wander to what her life might be like if she were to leave the religious life? In truth, she felt far too much shame to even speak to Sister Julienne.

"I think I would like some time alone," she whispered. "Just for a moment."

Dr Turner nodded and got up from his chair. He walked around the desk standing next to her, his hand magnetically being pulled to touch her, to try and comfort her. He was incredibly fond of Sister Bernadette, more than a man ought to be for a woman who was out of reach. He stopped his hand from reaching out to her, it would not be appropriate and he doubted welcome at this particular moment.

"Of course," he said. "Would you like me to tell Sister Julienne?"

Sister Bernadette nodded, "Yes, please, if you wouldn't mind."

"Not at all," he said, his voice as gentle as he could manage. "When you are ready, I shall examine you. No rush."

"Thank you, doctor," Sister Bernadette managed to say. She just about managing to hold her resolve together until he exited the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Leaving the room, Dr Turner sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair. Sister Bernadette was somewhat of a mystery to him. Her faith was a mystery to him and he didn't know how much strength she had in her, both physically and mentally – and, he supposed, spiritually. How do you begin to digest this news?

He made his way towards the kitchen, assuming Sister Julienne would be making Horlicks, as initially offered to him earlier. He couldn't think of anything he would less want right now, thick milky drink – it made him feel quite sick to his stomach.

In the kitchen, Sister Julienne was watching, somewhat vacantly, the milk pan – expressionless.

"Sister!" Came a cry from behind her. Blinking, her head shot up and she quickly removed the pan from the heat. Sister Evangelina made her way over.

"I don't want it curdled, thank you, Sister!" shrieked Sister Evangelina, in a tone that was usually saved for Sister Monica Joan.

"I'm dreadfully sorry, I…" she stopped. She wasn't quite sure what she was doing, or where her mind had gone.

"You were on a realm far away from here. Don't tell Sister Monica Joan, she'll tell you it's because Saturn has moved an inch to the left…!"

Sister Julienne smiled in acknowledgement at the accurate statement. Sister Evangelina might be abrupt, but she was incredibly perceptive.

"Sister…?" Dr Turner called. Sister Julienne turned around. "Could I borrow you, please?"

"Certainly," she responded, leaving Sister Evangelina to rescue the milk.

Sister Bernadette's hands did not stay clasped long. She wrung them in her lap. She wasn't even sure what to pray. Did she pray for forgiveness? For healing? Did she pour her heart out and shout at God that this seemed unfair, even if she had asked for it? She just didn't know.

Getting to her knees, she gripped her hands together. There was no altar in this room, and no stained glass or even crucifix to focus her attention on. And without the focus she felt lost. Infact, she didn't think she'd ever felt this lost.

"Legions," Dr Turner said gravely.

Sister Julienne nodded, understanding what Dr Turner was saying. Most likely TB. She sighed and closed her eyes briefly.

"Sister Bernadette has agreed for me to examine her. It is most likely she'll need to go for more detailed tests, which I will of course arrange."

"Thank you, Dr Turner," Sister Julienne responded, words temporarily escaping her. Sister Bernadette was always someone that she had held in great esteem. She recognised the strength of her faith and the strength of her mind. They weren't dissimilar in temperament and that definitely bonded them. Of course, as a nun, Sister Julienne's calling was to love everybody. But it was inevitable that some people you just clicked with, comrades in arms so to speak. Sister Bernadette was that to her, she held her in her heart, she understood her, indeed they understood each other – often without needing to exchange words.

"I will go to her," Sister Julienne said matter-of-factly, standing up. "And then we will come and find you for the examination."

"Yes," Dr Turner said. "No rush though, I'm ready when you are."

Sister Julienne smiled slightly, appreciative of the doctors consideration.

Still on her knees Sister Bernadette had now given up even trying to pray. She sat, having removed her glasses, and was hiding her face in her hands. She was aware of someone entering the room and she desperately hoped it wasn't any of the nurses or Dr Turner. She didn't want to inflict this on them. She removed her face from her hands, but could not bring herself to turn around.

Then the presence was sat next to her, facing her. Sister Bernadette continued to focus ahead of her, she hardly dare turn to look at the figure next to her. The familiarity of the swishing of a habit, the instant feeling of comfort. It was Sister Julienne.

"My dear Sister," she said quietly. There was nothing else to say – what could anyone offer in such an unknown situation?

Closing her eyes, Sister Bernadette leant into her friend and felt the familiar comfort of Sister Julienne's arms around her. She allowed some solitary tears, which had so reluctantly come earlier run down her cheek and drop first onto the material of her own habit, and then onto Sister Julienne's.

Gently, Sister Julienne wiped the stray tears from Sister Bernadette's cheeks and encouraged her to sit up. She gently took the young nuns hands in hers and Sister Bernadette was surprised at how they rested calmly in the older nuns – when just five minutes beforehand they had wrung in her own lap.

"I cannot pray," Sister Bernadette whispered. "I have no words. And yet my head spins."

Sister Julienne looked compassionately at her friend. "Words are not needed, my dear, He knows all and He sees all. For the moment, just rest yourself in that knowledge and I shall pray for you."

And so there the two nuns sat, somewhat comfortably on the floor. Sister Bernadette carefully concentrating on the whispered words of Sister Julienne said so delicately and carefully as if any louder would disturb the peace around them. She carefully held the worried nuns hands, caressing them in an act of comfort that the two of them had come to know from their relationship. And she hoped, beyond all measure, that the Lord's purpose in this situation would soon become known to them because sometimes even she could not understand His ways.


	3. Chapter 3

Stepping into the room Sister Bernadette's eyes met with Dr Turner's. A look of acknowledgement between them shared.

"Sister…" he began, stepping towards her. But then the words seemed to disappear into the air around him. He wanted to tell her it would be OK, to comfort her and offer her reassurance. He wanted to say that this was professional, that she didn't need to look quite so terrified at his presence. What was he thinking? His unspoken feelings were going to be the last thing on her mind at the moment, and how dare he even begin to give his own feelings the time of day? How selfish he was!

His gentle call of her name was like honey in the darkened room. It was etched in understanding, and concern. But she could do little to acknowledge it. What could she say? Her mind was mixed and filled with so much. The possibility of TB, the slight relief that her time with Sister Julienne had given her the strength for what lie next. And yet, in amongst all that was the worry of being here, with Dr Turner. The touch of his hands, well his stethoscope, on her bare skin and how that terrified her. Why did she feel this way? He was a doctor, doing his job. This was not about whatever sinful thoughts were currently running away with her.

The two of them stood in silence briefly before Sister Bernadette broke the peace.

"Sister Julienne will be along shortly," she explained. Her voice sounded shaky, could he tell?

"It's OK, Sister," he said, even though he'd told himself he would not make such promises. "We'll wait," he added. "It's hard, but try not to worry."

He desperately wanted to comfort her, as he saw her eyes begin to glimmer with tears. Any thoughts she'd had moments ago about the doctor had now evaporated. All she could really feel was fear of the uncertainty of the future.

Slowly, the door to the room opened and Dr Turner took a step back and suddenly Sister Bernadette felt very alone and exposed stood in the middle of the room. Sister Julienne stood infront of her, her hands gently resting on the top of the young nuns arms. She didn't feel alone now. She could see Sister Bernadette's eyes glistening with tears and emotion. Fear was on her face, and it was breaking Sister Julienne's heart. She gave the arms a squeeze and tried to give Sister Bernadette a look of reassurance, a look that asked if she was ready. It was returned with a slight nod of the head, and Sister Julienne smiled slightly admiring her friends bravery. Then she looked to Dr Turner.

He understood they were ready. "OK," he said trying to sound professional but concerned he just came across as unfeeling. "I'll need to listen to your chest, front and back," he explained. Of course, he knew that the two nuns infront of him knew what to expect and dutifully he noticed Sister Bernadette begin to remove parts of her wimple. He looked away, it seemed like the right thing to do.

Sister Bernadette's hands shook as she began to undress. This was real, this was really happening. She began to struggle with the shoulder clasp and she quickly felt Sister Julienne help her. This is how it would be, and she knew it, her Sister would always be there ready to offer whatever she could. Her presence was never more welcomed.

When she was ready Dr Turner stepped forward with his stethoscope.

"Breathe in," he said.

And she did. Although she could feel her breath faltering. Shaking.

Had she forgotten how to breathe?

"And out."

The staccato breath made it's way out.

Dr Turner made his way to the front of her chest. Never had anyone been this close to her in her adulthood. It made her uncomfortable, if it was possible to feel even more uncomfortable than she already was. She looked away, staring into the middle distance. She could smell Dr Turner, mainly the smell of cigarettes and it provided her some comfort for a flicker of a moment.

She did as was previously instructed and tried to breathe. Could he hear the pounding of her heart?

He stepped back and Sister Bernadette redressed herself.

"Crackles," he said, more to Sister Julienne than anyone. Perhaps she was the only one who could face the news head on. If only he knew that her fear matched his. "On both sides. I have arranged for an x-ray for you in the morning. It might be more convenient if I drive you."

"Thank you, doctor," Sister Julienne said, stepping forward to Sister Bernadette's side once more.

"You don't need to do that," Sister Bernadette replied into the space around her. She couldn't do eye contact right now, or she was afraid she might fall apart again.

"I will drive you." It was not a question in his mind. It was a statement. He was in this with her, he wanted to be by her side.

A comforting hand on her arm from Sister Julienne refocused her thoughts and she knew this was encouragement from her to continue to be brave. And bravery was certainly what she'd need from here on in. The two nuns turned to leave the room, just the older Sister glancing back gratefully to Dr Turner. Sister Bernadette could not bring herself to look back at him at the moment, the chapel was the only place that she felt she wanted to be. In the peace and quiet and rest of God with her Sister.

When they left, Dr Turner was left alone in the room still holding his stethoscope his mind far away from his present situation. He should turn and go and get back home to Timothy. And yet, he wanted to be here, where she had stood and had been just moments before, in the hope that it would somehow provide a comfort and reassurance in a situation that so desperately required it.


End file.
